pharoah
Archaeologists have puzzled long and hard over the strange writings found in the pyramid tombs of Ancient Egypt's rulers.

These hieroglyphs - weird combinations of eyes, owls, lions and other mysterious symbols - have for many centuries been suspected to contain hidden knowledge: the Lost Secrets of the Pharoahs.

Translations of these old texts have now revealed that they do indeed contain facts that the pharoahs would wish no one else to know...because they were ashamed of them.

These are the Guilty Secrets of the Pharaohs: things they needed to get off their chests before they entered the after-life. Bad things that had been troubling them, often since they were kids.

hieroglyphs
For example, tablets (right) recovered from the tomb of the boy-king Tutankhamun have been decoded as reading: 'I put a live asp in Cleopatra's pencil case when she wasn't looking and I let Rameses the Third get blamed 'cos he beat me at scarab-beetle racing, and I think he is a right snot-bag, so there.'

farleigh rusk egyptologist
Leading Egyptologist Sir Farleigh Rusk was quoted as saying: 'Revelations like these shed valuable new light on the lives of the pharaohs. Here we get a fascinating insight into just how petty such powerful rulers could be. Besides, Rameses the Third was a right snot-bag and he did have it coming, so there.'



Guilty secrets that have come to light so far:

Cleopatra
Threw Xerxes' school bag in the Nile, claimed it had been snatched by crocodiles.

Akhenaten
Told everybody that Amenhotep the First's name translated as 'He who smells of camel dung'. This was not true. It means 'He who smells of hippo dung.'

naughty pharoahs

Thutmose II
Scratched the words 'The sphinx stinx' on the sphinx one night when no one was looking. Also invented the joke, 'My sphinx's got no nose.' 'How does it smell?' 'Very faintly of sandstone.' For this he was walled-up alive in his own newly-finished pyramid by angry priests.

Mentuhotep I
Wet the bed until the age of 19. Kept claiming his hot water bottle had a leak. After mummification and burial, was found to have wet his bandages. Twice.

Nefertiti
Trained her swarm of pet locusts to attack every time Tutankhamun tried to open his lunchbox. As a result, Tutankhamun stopped eating salad and fresh fruit. This may have contributed to his early demise. Possibly.

Xerxes
Took the mickey out of pharoahs whose names didn't score as many points in Scrabble. Also repeatedly took the 'p' out of Ptolemy. Kept asking if he had 'ptummy ptrouble.'